yet to exhale

Still the recurring dream of pressing the brake and finding the speed won't cease. Still tearing gaps, mindlessly yet deliberately.

I miss competition more and more.

But whatever you call this line, I'm living it.

las manos de Dios

I have climbed the highest mountains

I have run through the fields...

conditioning

As much mental as it is physical, and I love it.

"What's next?" I ask eagerly.

"You're crazy!" they exclaim.

I'm just as sore as the rest of you, and my muscles begin to tremble. But I need this. I need to push until I feel ready to collapse. I don't collapse (well, maybe sometimes, but not for long and usually from laughter). I recover. I become stronger. If you work hard now, it will come more easily later. Don't you see?

Twenty minutes down, twenty-five to go...that's like an easy day of cardio.

Thus she breathes against the humidity, swipes at webs and insects, and continues to tread over the dirt and sand.

And when you take a step out of the technical gymnastics mentality, aren't handstands just so fun and whimsical?

you're beautiful

Real sun, not scalding, by day. They cheer my name at night. I look much better than I feel or believe, I realize. I want you to watch me and be moved by my movement. Running water. Sushi in peace. We can spend as much time together as we wish and still find new ways to laugh. Stars and stories on the steps. Online warfare. Blue eyes. A shoutout to ANGELA for reading this! (Team America...spreading our influence to other parts of the U.S. before our next reunion.) Highways and stories of that first kiss. God didn't want me to die today. It's a warm night and I do not know what will come to be, but I do love this, now.

"Well, I always knew they were nuts."

Simple yet spontaneous adventures make me glad.

"Do you think they'll give me whipped cream in a cup?" In the thirty second gap between phone calls, Kelsey finds money. "If that's not a good enough reason to stay fit, I don't know what is!" Time and good laughs with a wonderful chiquito, and of course there is no fifth wheel! Afterwards, the presence of an old friend -- the UNGEHEUR...of Long Island Sound.

And the Spanish soap opera, no matter how many times I've watched it, never fails to make me laugh.

An old but wise quote: "You know you're a true gymnast when what you're doing is better than a rollercoaster."

(Looks like I'm putting my emo songwriting career on hold today.)

blind but now i see

Once limited, but now I can run.

I like myself best at this time: driving home in the afternoon after a run. Sun illuminates green and blue. Music plays on the radio -- random, yet exactly what I wish to hear. I am alone, and unperturbed. All is well.

As it should be.

Today's revelation: I MISS TRACK! (My 4x100 champs-high jump crew-4x800 know what's up.) Always memories I can reflect upon happily and safely, for that was what it was.

i love nearly drowning while driving

Apocalypse Now (or yesterday, or two days ago, whenever this publishes).

Sometimes I get tired of working hard. Sometimes the desire wans to force this image in my mind into a physical manifestation -- for at such times, it would take force. Sometimes I would like to eat chocolate and not mind at all.

Hey, if strap bar giants and dancing to Pirates of the Caribbean are what keep me going right now, I'll take it.

--

Tell me, is this all that you've dreamed?

simplicity

Warm blueberry pie, strawberry ice cream, calmness on the Expressway, rolling down the dark road, humid and salty night air, gray but not ominous sky, feet bounding comfortably over roots, a drip of blood in exchange for a climb, reunions with close friends, curls, art in the newspaper, contemplation, ideas, a smile, and always ending the day with a wish for a good night.

wouldn't it be nice if we were older?
then we wouldn't have to wait so long

boy & girl

We're sore and disjointed and displaced. We try to stretch and bump into each other instead. Sleep. Sleep would be good indeed for the mortal mind and soul.

You tease me. I tell you to stop. I kiss your cheek. You lick my face.

And you know what, boy? I love you.

a new circle

Amazing things can happen.

Not all is impossible.

shift in direction

I've decided that it's worthwhile to pursue things purely because they're interesting.

I like to make it interesting for this small sect of the world while I'm here. Make you laugh, give support, and quietly exit without regrets. Most of you young ones will not know that I ever had them, or wish to avoid them.

SMILE.

1:30am

1) I'm still too wound up, too stressed, to truly call this summer yet
1a) though parts of today came close
2) I need something to do with my life besides write three blog entries in approximately a one hour period.

when I do not wish to fall alone

According to Ross, you may sleep with others as a small child and again later in life. Why this period in-between when we must sleep alone? Why is it a fall into sleep? Why is it permissible only in the secret places, "away," when it cannot happen often?

I would like to have the confirmation at the end of the day -- despite mishaps, despite failures -- that I am doing something right.

dover beach

The stars and sky are not impossible tonight.

Gentle tide and barely a breeze. Gray whisps of cloud soften the shoreline.

Head back on sand. The stars stand infinitely, they say, and I believe it. But tonight I could count them all. Tonight my fingertips could brush that cool blue and it would warm beneath my touch.

Is it this small sliver of beach which makes the universe fathomable? Is it the company? Because I could live in this night, content and trusting in all that I cannot see, but believe.

"I don't understand a word you just said"

The older I get, the more I see how crazy people are.

Adults, peers, their worlds and logic reel far from mine. But hey, as long as it's not life-threatening, or perilous to my own sanity, it's certainly entertaining.

"early night because I'm tired"

1) I always stay up later than I planned to, and
2) I cannot write without hope

coach, noun and verb

Nobody's looking over here, so they talk to me in hushed voices. They trust me; either that, or they need someone to fret to. "That was so scary! I don't want to do it again!"

"The first time's the worst," I console. Well, not always. "It's good for you to learn it. It'll help you."

"Ughhh..."

"Make yourself do it."

I tell them exactly what I've been told. I may not have believed it at the time, as they doubt now. But it was true, all of it.

i'll use my own title instead of a song lyric, if that's at all enticing

"...2 am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake..."

I turn on the engine and immediately hear the song. I nearly laugh, turning up the volume. I'm relieved. Coincidence.

We have no answers, but we ask the same questions. The song repeats. The story is reread. They may try to explain, but they cannot answer fully. And it's all right, you see, because one line can be sufficient -- enough to know that someone else has articulated the very same question.

The question will continue to be asked. In chalky gyms, under bright lights, in dark dorms, behind the wheel, next to someone else, in a tired town that should just try again, I wonder who else wonders.

Sometimes I love to be alone and sometimes I can't stand it. I carefully craft my path and beg for someone to direct me. I still wait for those directions, likely the result of a series of appearingly unrelated incidents and words. You don't know either, yet somehow we help each other make sense. Realization; if only for a moment.

I will take a venture here. I say that one should stand by what one loves, because of and regardless of everything.

cold beer; hot lights

One of the best kinds of nights.

I am glad I went away to college.