a simple lack of mirrors

No matter how many times everyone reassures me, I see my future as an uncomfortable haze. Right now I am underwhelmed, but the only thing keeping me calm with slow steps is knowing that the fall will be chaos: four jobs, class, thesis, possibly a life.

But to what end?

--

I'd be all right with being all right with forgetting.

--

I inspected recently under bright bathroom lights, sitting on the counter and leaning my face close to the glass. They are longer now, covering the barren patches, becoming lovely.

And I know you or you or you might see me again after I've stopped, if I ever really stop. And you'll congratulate yourself. Say it was you who had stopped me. Maybe tell others about your achievement if the story's not too weird to tell.

So I'll let you know here that it was none of you. It will never be any of you.

It was a simple lack of mirrors.

daydreams

Today clouds drift through blue skies. Advil calms my groans and I can stand again. The fire alarm chirps. I'm still recovering from the "third grade incident." Today nothing needs to be done besides dreaming with you.

If London's calling, don't you dare pick up the phone

The place where I've experienced the most sunshine this summer is not the fabled Hamptons, but...Dublin. And Kerry. And it was decently lovely, minus, you know, the pollen attacks. And the driving. And insects crawling in and out. Okay, maybe I'll take the clouds.

"This wrapper is the only thing standing between you and Jamocha bliss."

Emerald Ireland and emerald Binghamton, Vestal, Campville, Candor. Green-and-white Binghamton U., I was almost yours until ocean breezes bore me back. But you forgive me with green hills and gray skies and grand carousels. Drifting brown Susquehanna, red benches, Owego ice cream and sagging porches that sigh like Cortland. This is the part of me that I didn't know was me until I found it.

I know what happens

Sometimes I miss the old way. It had its troubles and it would all break down eventually. But I miss it anyway.

..

Tonight while walking by the water, by bricks, I thought I'd see you and me coming up the other way. Warmer night, ice cream in hand, thick into summer. And if I had, I would only be able to hold us and say, I know what happens. Keep going.

Salsa Taco Sour Cream

Tonight marks a monumental time in my life:

I have watched three movies in the past three days.

Thank you. Thank you.

..

I feel good. Healthy. In control. Steps in rhythm under cloud-chased blue sky. Code, paper, start. Code, paper, start. I like the company here. I like my body as a strong and supple unit. I'd like for it to be Saturday, but that will come.

What's next?

Falling Down

If you have any curiosity about the Twilight movie, this handy clip will break it down for you quite truthfully.

..

Is it odd that there's less than 20 people and even less to do, and I'm happy here?

..

My scar is especially pink tonight.

..

That could be taken in a deep way.

..

But 'tis merely a fact this eve!

..

I get disoriented every time. But then I hit clarity. Every time.

Chicago

Before I run over an unidentified object on 24 South tonight, the opening chords of some lite rock song begin. I would change the station, but then I realize this is "You're the Inspiration." And then I'm in my bedroom in Cuernavaca with Ashley, giggling as we realize that our host parents are blaring and singing this song (twice over, full full blast), certain that they have no idea we're home yet. "They're totally doing it on the kitchen table," Ashley says. "Oh, God!" I say. "What? He's hot. I'd do him. I'd do her, too." We laugh until Ashley goes to the bathroom and flushes the toilet. The music stops. Footsteps on the stairs. "Pretend to be asleep!" she hisses. A knock on the door. We lie still. "Think they saw the note yet?" she says. More footsteps on stairs. Now they see the note I wrote in Spanish, saying that we went to bed early and need to be at school at 7:45. Now their door closes. No more music tonight. Now we start laughing again.

hold 'em like they do in Texas

I begin to play my hand.

9.45 for the little one? We'll take it!

I feel a bit important at the moment por causa de esto!

..

Today at Level Four Team Cup, while waiting for the next girl to compete beam, I heard the coach behind me say to her team, "Girls, STOP WRESTLING!"

I no longer felt alone.

..

Truth to be told, life has been far too good to me lately. And I can't deny that I'm enjoying it. :-)

"better than all the other lumberjacks"

I know it *doesn't matter,* but yay for a 4.0 grad school GPA! :-)

Hey, Jude

I'm back!