Wednesday, January 28, 2009

they've got planes, after all

"It was delightful to see you," he says, and means it.

My mind working for me. What is this?

I flow, I move, I breathe, I am real, I am this moment and something next.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

getting one's self into trouble with hardly any effort at all

I kept telling myself This really doesn't matter and as it turns out--

I was right.

And I could be all sorts of concerned. But I know now what I'm capable of. And what I'd be willing to do: that which frightens me most.

Monday, January 26, 2009

"I believe you can use a grapefruit."

What did I expect? I knew this would be difficult.

But I am here, and I am all right.


What did I expect? Well, not to feel so prepared--prepared to the point of tenacity. I'm happy to be back at school where silliness and sighs reign.

I've got this down now.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Sit there until the answer is clear.

I am still. I see impossibilities. I do not stir. I do not despair.

I have my answer.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

10:10 pm

I recognize these songs and know who made this CD. My body's warm and I'll try vault before logic gets the best of me.

A single guitar strums.

"NOT THIS SONG! How do you change it?"--searching for buttons--

"Like this," he says, taking the remote. Song gone.

"Is this song okay?" he asks as guitar leads off the next track.

It is.

"You sure?" He's serious but part of him must be trying not to laugh.

It will do.

Friday, January 23, 2009


I think I hear music laughing but it may just be wind through eaves.

I think I see a star dart just above me. I might just be tired, almost too tired to drive within the lines.

I wish anyway.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Well, she returns

I spent months running but something wouldn't let ceaseless motion distract how I wanted.

I thought it'd fade the way it did for everyone else. Their old bruises turned to same old skin. I thought I'd spent so much time thinking this was going nowhere that I'd finally believed it. That I'd just go somewhere.

Well, one night,

I sling the bag over my shoulder, pull the hair away from my face, and walk in, fully conscious of all five-feet of me and how I'll be glad to never really grow--

Then blasted by music-shouts-stop and go-thuds-perfect silence-round angles crashes laughs.

I join.

An hour later I allow myself that one indulgence: to lie down. Back to floor, arms spread, knees up, feet flat. I stare at the lights.

And for once I know:

I am exactly where I should be.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I hope that one day this will be a distant, slightly laughable dream.

Monday, January 19, 2009

seeing epiphanies

A mind can't be changed in a night unless it leaned that way already.

There's nothing extraordinary about the pins I don't knock down, the crowded bar, the laughing singing voices from the backseat, the map of the world... (well, that's something).

But I'm laughing singing (shyly), I lean over the table to scrawl on my piece of the world, and nothing is wrong or disjointed tonight.

You smile.

I don't want anxious hours. The twisting sickness, the third burn-- Why? What for? I know those answers but just--not now, not right now.

Snowflakes in eyes, then; silly hats pulled over ears, songs to make me run faster, dream brighter.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I'll take this time after all.

All sorts of things have happened: reunions, reconciliations, returns, new music, singing, giving, laughing, driving. Bumping down 83, writing thirty pages, planning ten programs, watching Level 5, losing four wisdom teeth, and finally one acceptance! Miles north and back again, miles east to west and you know I'll never say no. I couldn't imagine the weeks but I never went crazy. Wishes of May but it's half of January already. I'll take this time.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

"So if you call me back in the next hour or so--WHOA!"

Sometimes my eyes are up and I'm running, arms pumping and steps never more certain--

Other times, girl to floor to nothing.

But now you're outside and I walk out in sweatpants, hair to the wind--

(you have no idea how glad i am to have you right now)

Let's you and me make a night of it

Let's take our scars out tonight, see how salt air feels in winter.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

a response to damaged goods:

[Graves]: i think you are splendid
[Graves]: who else can recite good poetry and back flip simultaneously, or dare to try!?

Friends remind me that I'm doing something right in this world. And maybe two things. :-)

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Streets is on!

I shout storm fume! fumble groan -

I smack the steering wheel, I roll my eyes to heaven almighty-

and you know I won't change a thing

Sunday, January 11, 2009

el bancozzz

[Diana]: my god, what has my life BEEN without the z's?
[Rachel]: What has my life been without YOU?
[Rachel]: Hell, that's what!

"I know that some people say,

'I'm going to start reading more,' and meanwhile I say, 'I'm going to start watching more football,'" I tell her as snowflakes gently hit the windshield and lights turn green.

"I think that's great," she says sincerely. "Watching football is very relaxing. And if necessary, you can fall asleep."

What I Learned from Safety Certification:

"The right leg is injured more often than the left leg."

It's not just me!!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009


I'd left the high school parking lot just in time--before it really began to snow. A dusting lines the road but my wipers scrape from lack of moisture. Nothing, really.

I drive down Randall Road to the stop sign and see the car stopped at a forty-five degree angle at the end of the hill, see the girls in navy-and-gold sweatshirts looking at me. I wonder.

Now the back of my car fishtails left. Now in the middle of North Country. Now I break and know it won't do any good, steer and look both ways -- nobody approaches. Now I straighten to dead-on to the guardrail, now the car fishtails left again and glides gracefully to a pause.

I think two things as I drive away (slowly) and those stuck on the hill watch. I must have an angel on my side, a reason I've been left alive today and other times. A purpose yet to serve.

And if so, I'd better get home and start writing.

Monday, January 05, 2009


If they were right, then I should have known better.

But you're doing the right thing.

A corner - a twist, a twist--

At once, a love for all these moments--

Here it is - the wall --

And a hope for this time to be over.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

She seems to have an invisible touch

"I don't believe this! I've got a trig midterm tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido the killer pimp."

The places we tread

Some of the locations I roamed to in 2008 (I like lists):

-la Ciudad de Mexico, D.F.
-Cuernavaca <3
-State College, PA ("Sixty pictures is a Facebook album")
-Ithaca ("Is this a photoshoot or a gymnastics meet?")
-Syracuse (gymnastics, left-or-right on 81, quests for pretty dresses)
-Greensboro, NC (something like redemption)
-Central Park ("I'm keeping a guido count")
-Binghamton (who doesn't need a jamocha?)
-Mexico, NY (they'll take you in at any hour of the day or night)
-El Paso, TX ("Did you see everything?" my dad asks, trying not to laugh)
-Albany (I didn't choose it this time, but I know I'll be back)
-Owego and Candor (I've been to that ice cream place with the gravel parking lot!)
-Long Beach Island, NJ (only Diana could get lost on a beach)
-Southampton ("Welcome to Shelter Island; I'm your RA")
-Flanders (when you need numbing lotion for your cyst and cookies to keep you going)
-Harrisville, NY (I didn't know it existed, either)
-Potsdam (ah, yes, eleven hours later!)
-Washington, D.C. ("It's AC/DC or the carousel!"--and we all know which one Lauren chose)
-Worcester, MA (sorority girls for an eve)
-Lauren's basement (because it's really good to hear your voice sayin' my name...)

Thursday, January 01, 2009

New Year's Day

More thoughts for future windy days:

Is this the worst pain you've ever experienced? No! So DEAL WITH IT!

I redeem myself in standing after I hit the ground. You redeem yourself in looking me in the eye just when I'd expect you to look away.

My cheeks are a bit too swollen for me to smile successfully right now. But I'll always be glad for that.