rubber bands are holding me together

Stay strong. The storm will pass.

I look for inspirational words and stories to take within myself. I want to believe that I'll make it through this cleanly.

But when I watch, it hits me then. God, I would do anything. (And I can't help but wonder why it was me.)

My life has changed because of this and I don't know what to make of it just yet. I can see flashes of hope, fear, struggle, gratefulness...will there be redemption in the end?

But I smile and tell you I will make it, and I do believe it despite fleeting doubts.

Just...can't...back down.

--
While pads stimulate my knee, I lie on the table and read Nietzsche.

Thoughts:

"Of all that is written I love only what a man has written with his blood. Write with blood, and you will experience that blood is spirit.

I want to have goblins around me, for I am courageous. Courage that puts ghosts to flight creates goblins for itself: courage wants to laugh.

You look up when you feel the need for elevation. And I look down because I am elevated. Who among you can laugh and be elevated at the same time?

True, we love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

I would believe only in a god who could dance. And when I saw my devil I found him serious, thorough, profound, and solemn: it was the spirit of gravity - through him all things fall.
Not by wrath does one kill but by laughter. Come, let us kill the spirit of gravity!

I have learned to walk: ever since, I let myself run. I have learned to fly: ever since, I do not want to be pushed before moving along.

Now I am light, now I fly, now I see myself beneath myself, now a god dances through me."
--
More to say, always more, but I'm falling into sleep now...

...Good night...