I know.

I'll keep [your] dirty little secret.

Witness to the scene and listener of the confession, I have your half-truth and her half-truth and his crooked smile. I know the story you wonder about. It's all pieced together, all been carried out and convened in my mind.

"Really?" My eyes widen. Innocent smile for this innocent girl. No one else will ever know what I know.

And of me -- you know naught.

In the darkened corners no one peers into, let's make our own quiet chaos.

the lights coming up in her eyes

A FULL ON FLOOR!!!!!

Combined with Lifehouse last weekend, having "Mayahu" on CD, the awesomeness of The Big, participating in college fun this evening, a free Cortland hoodie for being a nerd, and heading home in TWO days to see some of my most excellently favored people....

God, it's good to be alive. :-)

deber

I should write more and stalk less, sleep more, daydream less, pretend to be interested in class, memorize more Spanish, worry less, get out more, save the world, make others happy, listen to more music, watch the movies I've been deprived of, read more good literature, call people back, find a career path, get masters degrees in random historical events and dramatic writing and obscure slavic languages, care more about politics and the world around me, share my love...and go to bed right now.

But I'm happy anyway.

chaos theory

I know this to be true:

Everything you have ever done or said has set something else into motion.

Everything. And here you are now, because of it all, even when you thought it was useless. Especially then.

Karma or cause-and-effect?

Maybe I need to know about probability to understand the blips, the silences and the explosions. And I don't always believe this. Did every repetition matter? Did every little word?

But if the smallest one has been proven to matter --

they all do.

back in severely humid New York

[I must say that there's something to be said for the dry heat of the southwest.]

random anecdotes and notes of Arizona/New Mexico:
-the Painted Desert is amazing
-so is sopaipilla
-and the Indian pueblos/dwellings
-Indian dancing = hardcore and not as easy as it may look
-I climbed up 140 feet, of ladders and stairs, to one of the dwellings. I can say now that heights make me nervous but I no longer fear them.
-weddings at the hotel...yes, I know I should have walked up to that cute solitary guy and offered myself as a date
-"You must always travel with a prom dress!" adds Jill
-Dairy Queen blizzards :-)
-random guy in the elevator referring to me as a "beautiful girl," even though I had just returned from working out. I'm pretty sure he was sober, too.
-driving a Trail Blazer...this is a big deal when only cars are driven at your house
-getting lost, always when in need of peeing and/or eating
-feeling weird from the elevation
-beautiful scenery everywhere
-"Safety is just mind over hazard" -- Los Alamos
-hearing something that sounds like thunder
Park Ranger: "That's probably not thunder. They're probably just exploding things in Los Alamos."
-Later, on the news, finding out that apparently Los Alamos disposes of the superfluous by blowing it up
-Staying in Albuquerque, then leaving and finding out about shootings, stabbings, and a kidnapping that had happened there
-Also on the news: "A boy is recovering from the Plague, the first outbreak in two..."
::thinks to self:: "...centuries."
The News: "...years."
!!!

Ahh...good times.

i'm alive

I had about three hours before I was supposed to leave. No matter. I wanted to see how this would look. Would I recognize myself? Would they even want me back?

Black and red. Tight against my skin. Hands on hips.

I look stronger already.

I walked back in and it was like I had never left. The same lovable crew. The same spasticity. I restrain myself from getting too ahead of myself, but whatever I do, I feel strong. It's been seven months and three days and I haven't felt so good in all of this time.

I don't ever want to feel
like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way

The part of me that was memory and imagination this whole time -- she is back.

My whole body is sore today, and I love it. I've already been coerced into covering people's classes.

I'm finally alive again.

bringing it home

Of course, since I'm on a roll, I step out of the action to write about said roll on my blog, which nobody will read except out of boredom.

That's okay.

Here's the task. I meander through, placing word after word and wondering where it will go. Sometimes, nowhere. I stare for minutes at a time. I change some, omit a few, add here and there. Is this working? I'm not sure, but I hope so. I leave it for another time, hopefully a more inspired time.

Then another angle comes to mind. I'll try this out. I move from the origin. This is working. You may not see this yet. But I feel it.

Faster and faster. Confidence. I know I can do this. This is right. This is exactly where it was meant to flow. I've got this now. I'm excited. You should be too. You will be, once you catch on.

I was never one to tremble under pressure. I'm bringing it home. Exactly as I know how.

and outside, it starts raining...

We've had snow (and snow, and snow...) and sun (finally).

I miss the rain.

Cool October breezes through the window as I rolled out of bed for school. The wind catches me with flecks of water hinting at the downpour as I walk quickly to the car. Anticipation. Running through the woods and the burst spills down, everywhere, sleeves and legs and sneakers and branches and leaves and dirt are drenched and we laugh and beat the wind. [Breathless.]

Summer night, the lights are down and water pounds the roof. Steady steady drum, and I don't feel alone...

Rain is not the same here. It doesn't echo as loudly. It chills as you bow your head and struggle up the hill to class. The cold wind and cloudy sky remind me of the day that changed everything.

Back home, in the past, it rained on days without ruining them.

I'm too wistful right now to sum up this feeling properly. I miss the rain, but even it may not be able to comfort the way it once did.

Mud Pie Mojo

Out of the monotony came the moment which made it all worth it.

My life had purpose. All fell into place. This...this made sense.

Thank you, Cold Stone Creamery.

--

On the way to the mall in Syracuse...

"I've never been done here before."

"Yes, you have, there's a very familiar landmark up ahead."

I look and see Cortland Memorial Hospital.

"Ahh...yes."

--

The support from home has been amazing. If there's anything I can do for any of you, please let me know.

And I sign off with the war cry of, "PENAL-PALOOOOZA!"