There's a million roads I had to take

Did I bother telling you this
with the words that cross teeth and jump lips?

Well, I made it. A year past Cortland (I do miss it but the pieces fit better here), a summer beyond where will I go...

If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me?

One hour of sleep that first night, and in nights after, I couldn't stay put. I was as uncomfortable as all of you, maybe more. You might not belong here, but I did not. I was sure of it.

So I ran:

Through Mozambique and those Memphis nights

You may not have wanted another pretty face, but you've got that invisible touch! What would I have done without quiet nights with soft serve and Sing Star, loud nights of drinks and dancing and hands held at Tidewater? What would Julio and Guillermo and Jose do without you? And Jack? Can't you feel it in the air tonight?

Just dance!

Then I started dancing here. Crying and running and dancing. Same with all of you (maybe not the running). Nights in the bathroom and common area and Caralyn's floor and each other's beds.

Baby's black balloon makes her fly.

We understood.

And we are the champions...of the [whole new] world.

One step at a time...

After eleven years of gymnastics, I didn't know what I was supposed to do around here. Who is this girl?

There's gotta be somebody for me like that and I searched in all sorts of places. But I never quite forgot.

Go ahead, tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand

I went running more than once and came back crying. I suppose I thought something would change.

But you know what? I don't regret it.

This is the correlation of salvation and love.

I breathed.

The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight.

And then there was a train ride. And salsa on burgers, maps of the world, keeping ourselves warm. And meets, early mornings and cold dawns and falls, but growing fire. I grew into my role. Lost and insecure...you found me! Anberlin reminds me not of anyone, really, but anyone I ever thought of while driving down 24 in bright winter afternoons. I need a fix in those heroin eyes.

Oh, my ladies! Making me smile all winter. No, he can't read my poker face! All current pop music takes me to them, even though, as Gianna, age 10, believes, "'Smack That' was Akon's last good song." The scores sometimes agreed and sometimes didn't, but they got so much better. So many hours of Level 5 floor music and issuing push-ups and yelling at Gabby to stand up. So worth it.

You can have whatever you liiiike. So many late-night hours of my life story as we sat in the office or drove to Hampton Bays or back from Burger King. I don't know how you didn't laugh at me.

I have to believe that the past will make sense to me in time.

And then...

And you're just so cool,
run your hands through your hair

then...

absent-mindedly making me want you.

Do you catch your breath
when I look at you?

And the round that ended in Southold, but didn't quite end...

You can go your own way!

Now Montauk morning light, football in fog, mansion and windmill adventures, plays on train platforms with hookers. I'm wanted, dead or alive! So much writing, good writing (I think, in good moods). Good Mexican food. Seeking Amy. Singing Jason Mraz in the car after bagels. Cortland, too--all the single ladies!--and the friends who have been my friends all along--Lena, Nati, Miguel, Emeline and her broccoli, Rachel and our phone conversations as I drive, Beth and Hamlet and wine, Matt and our cyber (now real) friendship, so many others. Learning to teach. Still twisting and flipping, of course. Learning to finally, really, be comfortable with this girl, me.

I feared I'd lose the words this year, but there is so much to say.

Through the fire and the flames, we carry on!