A kiss to send us off

You'll never take me alive.

Nothing will be the same, really.

"You look healthier." I do? "Yeah, you looked tired before."

Perhaps. And perhaps it's all right to show the strain sometimes.

But I prefer to be happy. I find signs in black and starless nights.

alone but alive

I feel calm this time. The stars are kind. The night is warm and I feel all right.

I believe that I can walk without falling down.

conversations before 4:11

It's 3:45 a.m. and I know that this is more important than stumbling home wasted, than sleeping, than having an extra hour to work on a paper.

There may not be a point in this, but what's the point in that?

For no reason at all, we begin to laugh. I used to be hyperaware of my location at all times but I finally feel comfortable enough to lay my head down and listen think wonder be still.

These questions taunted me when I was twelve and they are no easier at twenty-one. I still feel like a girl instead of a woman I'm still little when I stand in the crowd but at least the person next to me asks these questions too.

Humans need to make make meaning and this is how we can: by connecting with someone else for a moment - an hour - a century - without money resentment anger excuses . . .

You told me once to write something meaningful and maybe now I have an idea, maybe know why you kept telling me -- maybe meaning is something that glows in a dark place.

..

I woke up happy this morning because I'd dreamt that you were finally ready to be vulnerable with me.

September at the lake

The rain falls quietly here.

Cell phones are silent.

I wonder if you will miss me today.

anticipated ambivalence

It comes to the point where -
I don't know how to say anything that hasn't already
circled in and through and back again and tightened me
within my own words
until I start to think that choking is just
another way to be numb.

I rub water and mineral onto my hands
and wonder if I have unlearned, know how to
unlearn, know only that
whatever I imagine will not
come to pass - perhaps the sword instead,
or the wound, or
nothing at all.

I do not think that you have unlearned.

my life as a collage

My goal this year, it seems, is to change my life as much as possible -- to dart in every other direction and loop back another way -- to collect words and stories where I am the character and not just the observer -- to know, not just believe -- to be there instead of willing it to be so.

And then I will slow my run to a walk, take these still-simmering pieces
put them together -- and I will be me still, this one,
just with more color and something else, yes, something more.

Oh, Spanish!

This is horrendous, but we've all got to start somewhere, right? :-p

Cuando me voy en el día,
escucho la voz del viento;
dice, “Sigo lo que siento.”
Sí, es lo que yo querría…

Cuando por la noche vuelvo,
sigo la senda del cielo
tan clara; ni nieve ni hielo
el sentimiento disuelve.

..
Durante la clase:

La pregunta: "I have a really strange question about Cuernavaca. Would you feel safe going for a run around the neighborhood? I'm sort of exercise-psychotic."
La repuesta: "Are you fast? Then yes."

I stood at the desk later this cold afternoon and thought, Tengo que seguir mi propio destino.

not much of anything, but a

collage of the songs pulsing through my head these past days weeks months (as compiled during a discussion of th(o)roughlines):


doesn't come down when she calls it's time for breakfast will you or won't you be the one i'll always know i hope you always forgive and you never regret i'm following myself just this once and at all once the crowd begins to sing like falling in love feels for the first time and you see that i can't stop shaking collapse into me tired with joy what you feel is what you are and i've rocked them all she's bad and she knows you will consume me but i can't walk away i like you just the way you are more than you know if your body matches what your eyes can do fitting you with weapons in the form of words this feels stranger than truth i cannot forget the way i feel right now we'll all float on shine on you were meant to crank that kept in the dark but you were there in front of me vivo en una casa roja she asks when will i be free.

View from the kitchen

I see:

Napoleon Dynamite. Kitchen:

Central City Bar & Grill.

Save 50 cents. Price Chopper.

(on a paper towel)
Mama!
We were
here! We
fuckin love you!
My concussion is good! I
was happy 2 see you 2day! Jess
says hi. She is gay!
See you soon!
Love your
babies!
Hi Am
Tan & Di!!


(magnetic poetry)
you only have tequila and food

drink more & inhale easy drunk boy

To consider:

"The flame on your back."

Well, how can I be out of character if this is the only character I've got?