The human goal: To make meaning in and of an absurd universe.
Are we wanted? Will we be loved despite age or be replaced? Others in the class may sleep or look at one another skeptically, but I understand. Fairy tales, so basic in good contrasted against evil, address those base troubles which haunt and taunt us through every step of life.
Women may feel alone, but their feelings are not singular or irrational.
Your face, peaceful as a child laying down to rest. Why do you remind me of a child in this moment? Why does it move me so?
Because you place yourself before me with entire vulnerability, and you know this, and at the exact same time, you cannot conceal your joy.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
ne'er far from here
(beware the ides of march!)
Clouds whisked away in face of the moon's confident gaze. Her brightness blinks in my eyes as I close them.
Cold winds. Could this be fall? Spring is on the way, I recall, and then they do not chill me.
It gets better.
Clouds whisked away in face of the moon's confident gaze. Her brightness blinks in my eyes as I close them.
Cold winds. Could this be fall? Spring is on the way, I recall, and then they do not chill me.
It gets better.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
a fiction-worthy wind
I feel nostalgia for a place I've seen briefly and a life I've never lived.
It must be damn painful in that mind, but so intriguing for one outside.
In my world, it's time to finish a paper, get this knee to stop cracking, and wander for a meal eventually.
How...anti-climatic.
I sometimes wish your stories -- selections of them -- were mine. But each to his fate. I may live vicariously through others, but I may be able to translate those words into Spanish.
Hm.
It must be damn painful in that mind, but so intriguing for one outside.
In my world, it's time to finish a paper, get this knee to stop cracking, and wander for a meal eventually.
How...anti-climatic.
I sometimes wish your stories -- selections of them -- were mine. But each to his fate. I may live vicariously through others, but I may be able to translate those words into Spanish.
Hm.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
it occurred to me to ask
"Who knows how to play hopscotch?" I ask.
Do children still play hopscotch? I don't know.
Most eagerly raise their hands. "I do!"
In Friendly's last night, as we laugh loudly, a mother walks over with a tiny girl. "She says she recognized one of you as her gymnastics teacher."
Usually running around the gym heedless of anyone's instruction, the child's face is stiffened with embarrassment, but her eyes are intense.
"I have her!" I say.
Games may change. Feelings, never.
Do children still play hopscotch? I don't know.
Most eagerly raise their hands. "I do!"
In Friendly's last night, as we laugh loudly, a mother walks over with a tiny girl. "She says she recognized one of you as her gymnastics teacher."
Usually running around the gym heedless of anyone's instruction, the child's face is stiffened with embarrassment, but her eyes are intense.
"I have her!" I say.
Games may change. Feelings, never.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
sometimes you can't make it on your own
I don't know what's wrong. But I suppose it could be worse.
Snow falls. At least it's vertical today.
I didn't fall. Does that make a difference?
Snow falls. At least it's vertical today.
I didn't fall. Does that make a difference?
Sunday, February 26, 2006
intimidada
You can give me any reason to cut me a bit of slack. I'll logic away any of your worries. The same never seems to work for me.
I want this so badly, but I step in front of the people and now I feel unworthy. Embarrassed of myself, almost, as if I need a disclaimer -- this isn't going to be all that exciting, but it will be a challenge for me.
I've never felt that way before. I'd always been eager, despite anyone else's skills, to showcase. Especially last. I will move in a way that you can't.
Except now I'm uncertain. Now I doubt. Now I'm intimidated and not sure if I deserve this, despite how much I've worked for it and continue to work now.
You have to believe me when I say I don't choke under pressure. The adrenaline fires me up. Lately, it's receeded when I needed that final push.
Another chance. To dissemble again?
Tell me why you believe. Maybe I'll believe, too.
I want this so badly, but I step in front of the people and now I feel unworthy. Embarrassed of myself, almost, as if I need a disclaimer -- this isn't going to be all that exciting, but it will be a challenge for me.
I've never felt that way before. I'd always been eager, despite anyone else's skills, to showcase. Especially last. I will move in a way that you can't.
Except now I'm uncertain. Now I doubt. Now I'm intimidated and not sure if I deserve this, despite how much I've worked for it and continue to work now.
You have to believe me when I say I don't choke under pressure. The adrenaline fires me up. Lately, it's receeded when I needed that final push.
Another chance. To dissemble again?
Tell me why you believe. Maybe I'll believe, too.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
transcend
Romantic literature strikes at a time when inspiration and motivation are wanting.
I'd almost forgotten that simple sensation of looking and feeling, without other responsibilities crying at the rim.
Nature provides us, perhaps, with everything - food - resources - inspiration - religion - shelter - simplicity.
I am neither a hippie nor an environmentalist, but I tend to shy away from extravagance. Rarely makeup, some of the same clothes from middle school (hey, they still fit), content with the same technology as long as it functions, always enjoying genuine intellect and wit. I want to like you for what you are, not just for the arts you create.
I would like to walk under the moon on a summer's night in gentle silence, and look up at that with the same name as mine. I want to feel a connection between myth and myself.
Overwhelm me, stars, sky, waves, breezes. Deserts, mesas, oceans, lightning, woods, grass, I have seen you all. But have I lived them?
We could spend the night, watch the earth come up
Without noise, without needless chatter, without need to exist. Just for a night. Just for a moment.
I'd almost forgotten that simple sensation of looking and feeling, without other responsibilities crying at the rim.
Nature provides us, perhaps, with everything - food - resources - inspiration - religion - shelter - simplicity.
I am neither a hippie nor an environmentalist, but I tend to shy away from extravagance. Rarely makeup, some of the same clothes from middle school (hey, they still fit), content with the same technology as long as it functions, always enjoying genuine intellect and wit. I want to like you for what you are, not just for the arts you create.
I would like to walk under the moon on a summer's night in gentle silence, and look up at that with the same name as mine. I want to feel a connection between myth and myself.
Overwhelm me, stars, sky, waves, breezes. Deserts, mesas, oceans, lightning, woods, grass, I have seen you all. But have I lived them?
We could spend the night, watch the earth come up
Without noise, without needless chatter, without need to exist. Just for a night. Just for a moment.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
wanderlust
I should spend my free time in writing, really writing. Perhaps tonight! For now, this shall suffice.
I prefer fiction and retrospect. I do not spontaneously react in the wrong way. Ay, girl, haven't you learned from the last time(s)? She's always sorry, even before she's opened her mouth.
I want to roam and run on other lands under this same sun. ((Well, the sun isn't actually out in Cortland at the moment, but one can imagine.)) I need to see another life and live it, for a time. That's what brought me here. That's what bears my mind elsewhere, as much as it frightens me.
Too much, never enough. I enjoy those moments where I feel I am right where I should be, and that neither my words nor dreams shall fly astray. Like with you.
I prefer fiction and retrospect. I do not spontaneously react in the wrong way. Ay, girl, haven't you learned from the last time(s)? She's always sorry, even before she's opened her mouth.
I want to roam and run on other lands under this same sun. ((Well, the sun isn't actually out in Cortland at the moment, but one can imagine.)) I need to see another life and live it, for a time. That's what brought me here. That's what bears my mind elsewhere, as much as it frightens me.
Too much, never enough. I enjoy those moments where I feel I am right where I should be, and that neither my words nor dreams shall fly astray. Like with you.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
My mind's filled with words right now. Images, interpretations, the significance of a line abruptly ended. Did I solve that riddle? Even if I did, more follow.
I step outside into the brightness, into a world that feels somewhat less satisfying, a little more shallow, before I reassimilate completely.
Words. Real, powerful, heavy, light, and all with meaning. This world makes me forget, sometimes. Silence is not the ending, not at all. This is a feeling.
I don't know if you'd entirely understand.
I step outside into the brightness, into a world that feels somewhat less satisfying, a little more shallow, before I reassimilate completely.
Words. Real, powerful, heavy, light, and all with meaning. This world makes me forget, sometimes. Silence is not the ending, not at all. This is a feeling.
I don't know if you'd entirely understand.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
AAAAHHHHHHH
What the eff am I going to end up doing with my life?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
On the plus side, at least I can do a floor routine.
::would like to run outside and scream a little, into the night::
::at least I know I'm not alone in this sentiment::
Back in high school, I figured that whatever I picked, I could do. Now, I'm not so sure. Or maybe it remains true, this rare sense of self-belief. I just need to manifest it.
Up, up, and awayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!
On the plus side, at least I can do a floor routine.
::would like to run outside and scream a little, into the night::
::at least I know I'm not alone in this sentiment::
Back in high school, I figured that whatever I picked, I could do. Now, I'm not so sure. Or maybe it remains true, this rare sense of self-belief. I just need to manifest it.
Up, up, and awayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
color
I take notes diligently, read the assigned texts, and wonder all the while what the hell I'm going to make of myself.
Class participation: pretending to give a damn, but in fact talking for the sake of talking. While your hand is raised, the only thing you notice is that the person speaking hasn't yet made your point. Then, of course, your point is shot down from time to time. But you'll try again anyway. Gotta maximize that twenty percent of your grade, besides making it to class and looking alive. ("Looking," of course, is not synonymous with "being.")
Do I want to be the one to make superior analyses? Do I wish my mind had made that connection? Certainly. But arrogance irritates, even if it is not intended.
I'm sure that many years, in many classrooms, people have prepared for a cozy nap as I raised my hand.
But color makes the difference. Swirls and splashes. Use big words only if you don't fear to say, "Um, like..." when "me and her..." I may be a nerd indeed, but I want to shake you sometimes and bring warmth to your stoic gray, even if your new vigor breeds a mistake or two. You'd be far more bearable.
I wonder what you dream at night as you ritually lay down at the appointed hour (right to the minute, I'd guess). Do you even dream in color? When you point to life experiences, what have you to show? Was it something you read elsewhere?
I read and say, "Damn, I wish I wrote that."
I want to live. Those lines you pour over and analyze, I want those to someday be the ones I wrote.
Here's to the cone-stealers, the pecan-square-thiefs, the random drivers, the ones who pump up the music and sing out of tune, the ones who give a damn for each other but not for limits of time or space or possibility. Here's to the stories we weave each day, the laughs and commentary we find amidst the most mundane circumstances. The horizon tantalizes. No ending here.
Class participation: pretending to give a damn, but in fact talking for the sake of talking. While your hand is raised, the only thing you notice is that the person speaking hasn't yet made your point. Then, of course, your point is shot down from time to time. But you'll try again anyway. Gotta maximize that twenty percent of your grade, besides making it to class and looking alive. ("Looking," of course, is not synonymous with "being.")
Do I want to be the one to make superior analyses? Do I wish my mind had made that connection? Certainly. But arrogance irritates, even if it is not intended.
I'm sure that many years, in many classrooms, people have prepared for a cozy nap as I raised my hand.
But color makes the difference. Swirls and splashes. Use big words only if you don't fear to say, "Um, like..." when "me and her..." I may be a nerd indeed, but I want to shake you sometimes and bring warmth to your stoic gray, even if your new vigor breeds a mistake or two. You'd be far more bearable.
I wonder what you dream at night as you ritually lay down at the appointed hour (right to the minute, I'd guess). Do you even dream in color? When you point to life experiences, what have you to show? Was it something you read elsewhere?
I read and say, "Damn, I wish I wrote that."
I want to live. Those lines you pour over and analyze, I want those to someday be the ones I wrote.
Here's to the cone-stealers, the pecan-square-thiefs, the random drivers, the ones who pump up the music and sing out of tune, the ones who give a damn for each other but not for limits of time or space or possibility. Here's to the stories we weave each day, the laughs and commentary we find amidst the most mundane circumstances. The horizon tantalizes. No ending here.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
double time
Or half time? I can't decide which. Double practices makes each day feel like two. Has it only been a week?
I do know that I have odd bread cravings. Rain (rain? Why rain?) pours. Just yesterday, the sun peered out and I squinted my eyes. Not today. Ice doesn't feel cold enough when the throb burns hotter than usual. Funny things have happened, pictures snapped, comments swapped. Everything is better than a year ago, that is for sure.
Gray seeps in some days. Sometimes I shift in my own skin, not sure if it's all right or what to do with myself. Orange juice and milk freeze by the morning. I'd like to be clever, but I'm not always inspired.
But color will return.
In the meantime, I close my eyes. In the darkness, I see you.
I do know that I have odd bread cravings. Rain (rain? Why rain?) pours. Just yesterday, the sun peered out and I squinted my eyes. Not today. Ice doesn't feel cold enough when the throb burns hotter than usual. Funny things have happened, pictures snapped, comments swapped. Everything is better than a year ago, that is for sure.
Gray seeps in some days. Sometimes I shift in my own skin, not sure if it's all right or what to do with myself. Orange juice and milk freeze by the morning. I'd like to be clever, but I'm not always inspired.
But color will return.
In the meantime, I close my eyes. In the darkness, I see you.
Monday, January 09, 2006
tracing
If I hear these chords, I can imagine your willing ears. If I sing these harmonies, perhaps your voice will ring with mine.
I'll learn who you are, the person behind the words and laughs and snips of song lyrics.
You will read, write, witness. Will you imagine my eyes running before you over these words? Will you know me?
I would like to follow the path of someone strong and skilled. Leave your traces and I'll learn the way.
Someday, hopefully, these will become a part of who I am. Who I will be.
I'll learn who you are, the person behind the words and laughs and snips of song lyrics.
You will read, write, witness. Will you imagine my eyes running before you over these words? Will you know me?
I would like to follow the path of someone strong and skilled. Leave your traces and I'll learn the way.
Someday, hopefully, these will become a part of who I am. Who I will be.
Monday, December 12, 2005
I know.
I'll keep [your] dirty little secret.
Witness to the scene and listener of the confession, I have your half-truth and her half-truth and his crooked smile. I know the story you wonder about. It's all pieced together, all been carried out and convened in my mind.
"Really?" My eyes widen. Innocent smile for this innocent girl. No one else will ever know what I know.
And of me -- you know naught.
In the darkened corners no one peers into, let's make our own quiet chaos.
Witness to the scene and listener of the confession, I have your half-truth and her half-truth and his crooked smile. I know the story you wonder about. It's all pieced together, all been carried out and convened in my mind.
"Really?" My eyes widen. Innocent smile for this innocent girl. No one else will ever know what I know.
And of me -- you know naught.
In the darkened corners no one peers into, let's make our own quiet chaos.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
the lights coming up in her eyes
A FULL ON FLOOR!!!!!
Combined with Lifehouse last weekend, having "Mayahu" on CD, the awesomeness of The Big, participating in college fun this evening, a free Cortland hoodie for being a nerd, and heading home in TWO days to see some of my most excellently favored people....
God, it's good to be alive. :-)
Combined with Lifehouse last weekend, having "Mayahu" on CD, the awesomeness of The Big, participating in college fun this evening, a free Cortland hoodie for being a nerd, and heading home in TWO days to see some of my most excellently favored people....
God, it's good to be alive. :-)
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
deber
I should write more and stalk less, sleep more, daydream less, pretend to be interested in class, memorize more Spanish, worry less, get out more, save the world, make others happy, listen to more music, watch the movies I've been deprived of, read more good literature, call people back, find a career path, get masters degrees in random historical events and dramatic writing and obscure slavic languages, care more about politics and the world around me, share my love...and go to bed right now.
But I'm happy anyway.
But I'm happy anyway.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
chaos theory
I know this to be true:
Everything you have ever done or said has set something else into motion.
Everything. And here you are now, because of it all, even when you thought it was useless. Especially then.
Karma or cause-and-effect?
Maybe I need to know about probability to understand the blips, the silences and the explosions. And I don't always believe this. Did every repetition matter? Did every little word?
But if the smallest one has been proven to matter --
they all do.
Everything you have ever done or said has set something else into motion.
Everything. And here you are now, because of it all, even when you thought it was useless. Especially then.
Karma or cause-and-effect?
Maybe I need to know about probability to understand the blips, the silences and the explosions. And I don't always believe this. Did every repetition matter? Did every little word?
But if the smallest one has been proven to matter --
they all do.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
back in severely humid New York
[I must say that there's something to be said for the dry heat of the southwest.]
random anecdotes and notes of Arizona/New Mexico:
-the Painted Desert is amazing
-so is sopaipilla
-and the Indian pueblos/dwellings
-Indian dancing = hardcore and not as easy as it may look
-I climbed up 140 feet, of ladders and stairs, to one of the dwellings. I can say now that heights make me nervous but I no longer fear them.
-weddings at the hotel...yes, I know I should have walked up to that cute solitary guy and offered myself as a date
-"You must always travel with a prom dress!" adds Jill
-Dairy Queen blizzards :-)
-random guy in the elevator referring to me as a "beautiful girl," even though I had just returned from working out. I'm pretty sure he was sober, too.
-driving a Trail Blazer...this is a big deal when only cars are driven at your house
-getting lost, always when in need of peeing and/or eating
-feeling weird from the elevation
-beautiful scenery everywhere
-"Safety is just mind over hazard" -- Los Alamos
-hearing something that sounds like thunder
Park Ranger: "That's probably not thunder. They're probably just exploding things in Los Alamos."
-Later, on the news, finding out that apparently Los Alamos disposes of the superfluous by blowing it up
-Staying in Albuquerque, then leaving and finding out about shootings, stabbings, and a kidnapping that had happened there
-Also on the news: "A boy is recovering from the Plague, the first outbreak in two..."
::thinks to self:: "...centuries."
The News: "...years."
!!!
Ahh...good times.
random anecdotes and notes of Arizona/New Mexico:
-the Painted Desert is amazing
-so is sopaipilla
-and the Indian pueblos/dwellings
-Indian dancing = hardcore and not as easy as it may look
-I climbed up 140 feet, of ladders and stairs, to one of the dwellings. I can say now that heights make me nervous but I no longer fear them.
-weddings at the hotel...yes, I know I should have walked up to that cute solitary guy and offered myself as a date
-"You must always travel with a prom dress!" adds Jill
-Dairy Queen blizzards :-)
-random guy in the elevator referring to me as a "beautiful girl," even though I had just returned from working out. I'm pretty sure he was sober, too.
-driving a Trail Blazer...this is a big deal when only cars are driven at your house
-getting lost, always when in need of peeing and/or eating
-feeling weird from the elevation
-beautiful scenery everywhere
-"Safety is just mind over hazard" -- Los Alamos
-hearing something that sounds like thunder
Park Ranger: "That's probably not thunder. They're probably just exploding things in Los Alamos."
-Later, on the news, finding out that apparently Los Alamos disposes of the superfluous by blowing it up
-Staying in Albuquerque, then leaving and finding out about shootings, stabbings, and a kidnapping that had happened there
-Also on the news: "A boy is recovering from the Plague, the first outbreak in two..."
::thinks to self:: "...centuries."
The News: "...years."
!!!
Ahh...good times.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
i'm alive
I had about three hours before I was supposed to leave. No matter. I wanted to see how this would look. Would I recognize myself? Would they even want me back?
Black and red. Tight against my skin. Hands on hips.
I look stronger already.
I walked back in and it was like I had never left. The same lovable crew. The same spasticity. I restrain myself from getting too ahead of myself, but whatever I do, I feel strong. It's been seven months and three days and I haven't felt so good in all of this time.
I don't ever want to feel
like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
The part of me that was memory and imagination this whole time -- she is back.
My whole body is sore today, and I love it. I've already been coerced into covering people's classes.
I'm finally alive again.
Black and red. Tight against my skin. Hands on hips.
I look stronger already.
I walked back in and it was like I had never left. The same lovable crew. The same spasticity. I restrain myself from getting too ahead of myself, but whatever I do, I feel strong. It's been seven months and three days and I haven't felt so good in all of this time.
I don't ever want to feel
like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
The part of me that was memory and imagination this whole time -- she is back.
My whole body is sore today, and I love it. I've already been coerced into covering people's classes.
I'm finally alive again.
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