states of self

Dangerous.

The wooden planks sway under pounding steps. Body catches up to where mind pauses, pacing. I stop at the edge and gasp. But not for long.

Water would not soothe or suffocate. Today it would be pushed away as I jumped, green-blue shoved away in a frenzy. Cooling for a moment, refreshing in the instant, and then I would return to land, dripping running gone.

My eyes make calm waters dizzying. The wood still rocks. I am at the edge, yes -

between sprinting and stillness - between this extremely audacious possibility and this very familiar path - between laughing and screaming - between spreading my arms to the winds of this world and -

-

Moment.

A cool and sunny afternoon instead of snow. I catch my breath and sit on the peeling red limb of the porch.

I will always be too curious - always be imagining the corners I cannot see into.

But today I only see a slow car, a tall man and a shorter girl far down on the sidewalk, light on pavement, soft green amidst brown.

And suddenly I feel the blood running over knees and down calves, through fingers clutching wood - for once lively but not destructive in the brain.

I am here.

Annihilate.

Same place, same action for forty minutes.

I see 34:23 -

The last twenty minutes of my life passed in rapid breathing, eyes blinking against bright lights, and thoughts I will never remember.